Once again, I will start by saying that if you are easily offended, this is your WARNING.
I have spent a week getting everyone's reaction to what occured on June 25,2009. It has been a while since I sat down and pecked the keypad, as I have been waiting on motivation to get to it again. Well, let me be the first to tell you that our society we live in today gave me all the motivation I needed.
On that day, we lost Michael Jackson. Before I tell you my reaction to this, let me tell you some of the things I heard with my own ears or read with my own eyes through Facebook chats. I will leave these people anonymous, as some of them may need to go into witness protection if their identities were revealed.
I had a close personal friend of mine tell me that Michael Jackson was a "no talent, child raping n*****"...let me just be quick with my response and tell you that conversation ended right then. No talent?? What planet have you lived on for the 30 years of your life son? Children raised by wolves could see this man had talent.
I was also graced with another friend of mine telling me "that faggot n***** deserved every bit of what he got." What he got? "He died after going into cardiac arrest you ignorant bastard" was my word for word response. Here's why I am bitter to this subject.
I was a 5 year old kid in the summer of 1982. My father, the music afficionado he is, started me very early on the path of the music world. I grew up listening to The Beatles,Loverboy, REO Speedwagon, Stevie Wonder,Billy Joel,Lionel Richie, Pink Floyd,etc. I could sing you every word of "Big Shot" by Billy Joel when I was 4. Back then, there was no such thing as a car seat. Good thing for me, because when "Thriller" found its way on my dad's car stereo, it was over. I would dance and sing like there was no tomorrow, and "Beat It" and "Billie Jean" were my songs. Thriller was a little scary to me back then, just because Vincent Price's voice was creepy to me. I still listened with much delight to the entire LP over and over and over. There was something about his song and dance that captivated the attention of this little boy. Well, he took a few year hiatus and I was waiting on the new stuff to come out. Nevertheless, during that period, I needed some new MJ stuff...and fast. I had heard the "Thriller" LP enough to memorize every word of every song, and I needed some new material. Leave it to my dad to trick me into believing my wish had come true. I was sitting in the living room of our "mobile Pepsi can" in the summer of 1984, when what do my wandering ears hear coming through the speakers? I hear Michael Jackson again. "Don't Stop til You Get Enough" had my feet moving again, and I had new MJ material. Little did I know that "Off the Wall" had come out before "Thriller", but I didn't care! MJ was back and I was as happy as a lark. I loved Michael Jackson, and you couldn't change my mind.
Then my dad alerted me one day that with all of the poverty and hunger going on in the world, a bunch of singers were going to do a song together to try to help these people. My first question: "Is Michael Jackson gonna be in it?" Two words made my day..."Yes buddy." The "World Premiere" on MTV happened while I was at school that day, but it didn't matter. My dad had recorded it on the Beta VCR so I could watch it when I got home. "We Are the World" was my favorite song for almost the next year, and as much as my dad loved the song and everything about it, he even got tired of it. Great artists, great song, great meaning....
I have heard a lot of people speak very negative on Michael's life and the things he did. I am not here to condone any of the behavior the "media" told us was going on, but I am here to shed some light on my opinion on this matter. You may think I'm off-base, but I'm speaking from my heart and that's all I can do. Most of you know that I'm a father of a 6 year old little girl, so I'm going to give you a straight laced comparison as to what Michael went through from the age of 7 until he left this world.
Michael Jackson and all of the Jackson kids had a piece of shit for a father. Yes, you heard me. Joseph Jackson was a piece of shit who exploited every single one of his kids, so he could make a dollar. He took his 5 boys and threw them into the limelight because they had talent. What is the montra of the music industry? "Sex, drugs, and rock and roll" would be the answer. Michael Jackson was a 7 year old kid when he was exposed to those 3 things some adults can't even handle. How can you allow your children to be exposed to excessive partying and sex backstage. Would you expose your children to drug use and PORN? Exactly, but Joseph Jackson did because he knew his kids were talented and wanted to profit from what they had. Way to live vicariously through your kids Joe! Things like that can warp a young man, and that's exactly what it did. You may ask me: "Well John, why did the other kids not turn out as bad as Michael?" Have you seen that train wreck named LaToya people? She's a walking soap opera; but the reason these other ones didn't turn out to have as many problems as MJ is simply this. He was FAR MORE talented than any of them and his success lasted. Their's did not. The only other one who had a lasting career was Janet and even she was thrown into the business too early.
Show business is no place for children without the proper handling. Look at all of the child stars from the last 30 years and tell me where they are. You can't, and that's why they have these "Where are they now?" shows;because we haven't heard from them in years. Their young minds are simply that: YOUNG. They can't handle the pressure that it takes to be a role model and to be working with 100 different people telling you what to do everyday. How many of these kids have battled serious drug addiction? Macaulay Culkin(Home Alone), Jodie Sweetin(Full House), Leif Garrett(Pop singer-late 70's), David Cassidey(I Think I Love You),Kirk Cameron(Growing Pains),Tracey Gold(Growing Pains),Hailey Joel Osment(The Sixth Sense),Dana Plato and Todd Bridges(Diff'rent Strokes)....Plato died from a cocaine overdose. The answer is ALL OF THEM. Their minds were destroyed from having fortune and fame, and then going belly up. It's not an easy business, and it's no place for kids...PERIOD! I don't care how much talent you have.
Now I take you to the controversial part of Michael Jackson. He was accused of molesting kids, and spending too much time with kids. He built NeverLand Ranch and had kids over to his house as much as possible for these kids to have a good time. Yes, he was accused of molesting some of these kids. Do we have proof ? I know, I know. If someone is accused of something for 20 years by different people, then that makes them guilty. Take that garbage somewhere else. Who was the main kid that Michael reached out to more than any other? That's right: Macaulay Culkin. Why? My guess is because he was the "next big thing",and Michael remembered what it was like to be the "next big thing" and knew what this kid was facing in the roads ahead. A lot of the kids that he reached out to were mentally slow or their parents were financially impotent. These kids weren't going to enjoy some of the things that we took for granted as kids. As I stated before, I have a 6 year old daughter, and I watch her and remember my childhood. What kind of childhood did MJ have? He didn't. He had a job and an asshole father telling him what to do and how he was going to do it. He didn't get to ride his bike, or go to the pool with his friends, or kiss his little girlfriend under the front porch light. Michael Jackson was forced to be a grown man at the age of 7 years old.
I understand that we are all in charge of our own actions, and we have to make our own choices. I don't condone some of the things that I saw with my own eyes that Michael did, but he was destroyed very early and the only thing that kept him going was his talent and his heart. Say what you want, but Michael Jackson was one of the most generous and loving individuals this world has ever seen. Take a listen to "Heal the World", "We are the World","Man in the Mirror", and "You are not Alone" if you doubt what I tell you. All he ever wanted was for the world to be "one", and here we sit still arguing over parking spaces at the mall, racial profiling, and why we have a black president. He's not black, people. He's what Michael Jackson wanted: black and white. The world we live in has people who appreciate talent for what it is, and then there are those who won't support an artist because of their skin tone. I don't give a damn who you are or what you do: Michael Jackson was not a color. He was an artist, and the best I have ever experienced in this lifetime, and I will tell you he will stay there too. There is no doubt in my mind.
Michael Jackson was a special soul. He was a special person and a special artist, and the world will miss him dearly, but we will rejoice in his music each time we hear that saccarin sweet voice and see those flashy dance moves. He was an artist who was NEVER afraid to try something different, because he knew he would succeed. That's what sets you apart from all of the others, and he was definitely an "individual".
On June 25th, 2009, we lost Michael Jackson: not a generational superstar, but a "LIFETIME GLOBAL ICON". Show respect people, because he is gone, but I promise you this Michael;you will NEVER be forgotten.....
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Mistakes in looking for something that's not where you think...
Let me preface this by saying I'm not Dr. Phil by any means, but I can speak from prior experience on this one and HAVE given advice on this subject due to my experiences. Feel free to leave comments if you have any after reading this...
How many times have you set out to find something that you misplaced or knew you just had in your possession and couldn't remember what you did with it? I know, me too. Here's the catch though. Why do we find ourselves looking for our house key in that coat we haven't worn since last winter or looking in the car we just got out of for the same key? You know as well as I do that you just used that same key to get in the door AFTER you got out of the car. Why did you go back to the car? The answer is understandable, yet not as simple as 2+2. The reason is you just got out of that car and you know you had the key while you were in the car, so the logical thing to do is retrace your steps and go backward. When you realize how proposterous that idea is, you move forward and begin to look wherever you can. You know if you search everywhere, high and low;that key will pop up,right? So you begin your search for that most important necessity to you at that moment: the house key. You look in that pair of pants you wore three days ago. Empty. Then you move onto the bathroom, knowing you haven't even stepped foot in the bathroom since you've been home. Is the key there? Of course not. Why would it be, and why would you look somewhere that you know the key can't be present? Well, because you want to find that key, and you'll stop at nothing until it's back in your possession. So, the hunt continues. You get to the point where on the verge of giving up hope, you make one last ditch effort to round up that key and you call a friend to ask for their help. You don't want them to find the key; you just want them to help YOU find it. Now the friend isn't the guiding light, but they offer something that you can't at this point: alternate perspective.
Over the last few months, I have seen posts on Facebook from a few of my friends stating that they were LOOKING for "Mr. Right/Ms. Right". They don't know where he/she is at; but they know he/she's out there somewhere and they want to find him/her, no matter the cost. Now, as I stated before; I'm not Dr. Phil but I have been through this ringer a time or two.
Here is the first and most important piece of advice: STOP LOOKING for them. Let them find you, or even better,hope you find your way to each other. When you have it in your mind that "Mr. Right/Ms. Right" will be found, you overlook a few of their inadequacies instead of having what you really want. Yes, they make you laugh; and you just love the way their passion exposes itself when speaking on a subject they firmly believe in. However, what if they have a pet and that pet is a cat? Now you know you're allergic to cats, so unless you are only going to see each other at your place, you need to think about this dilemma and think about it early. Yeah, I know you can get a shot to take away this minor inconvenience, so let me give you another reference. Let's say you find what you think is "Mr. Right/Ms. Right", and you realize two weeks in that they enjoy smoking marijuana rather frequently, yet you have random drug tests at your place of employment. Are you going to hang around? Some will, some won't; but those who do are "hoping they change" instead of realizing if they were that way when you met them, you can't expect them to change. Have you ever test drove a car;decided to buy it and then tried to take it back because you wanted a different color? Let me know how it works out for you if you ever try that one. You will have no luck, just to save you the trouble. If you meet someone in a bar, yet you don't agree with their drinking; there in lies a problem. Why are you trying to meet people in a bar in the first place? I assure you that "Mr. Right/Ms. Right" is NOT in a bar or a night club. Now "Mr./Ms. Right Now" they can be, but not for the distant future. Also, when looking for your future, do not go back to previous pawns in your game of love. This is in reference to looking in the car for the keys you used to get in the house. Why are you going backwards? There's a reason you go back to that person and it's called convenience or comfort. It may be a person who gave you the most pleasure to your body, yet the most pain to your heart. Memo to you back trackers: Keep it moving! There is a reason they are in your past, so they should be left there. Go out tomorrow and walk down the road looking over your shoulder to see what's behind you. I will tell you thank you right now for reading my blog because this will be the last one you read before you get hit by a car. DO NOT look back; keep your eyes forward. That also goes for that pair of pants you wore three days ago, yet you're looking in them for keys you misplaced five minutes ago. They are not in them either. Those jeans have no bearing on your keys, as they were not present when you lost the keys.Look in the door. I know it is the obvious choice, but it's also the safest place.
After I tell you to look in the door, your friend just walked in and pulled the keys out of the door. They already knew on the way over to your house that they were going to look there first. Why? They are your friend for a reason, and they know that you would never think to look in the obvious place:the door. They know you're in panic mode right now and aren't thinking clearly, and that's what friends are for. That is the same reason that we, at times, will rely on our friends to find that "someone" for us. They know what our strengths, weaknesses, turn-ons, and turn-offs are, so we trust them with the possibility of our future. Let them ride with you, but make sure you are still in control of the steering wheel. It's your heart and your future. They may be able to find your keys for you, but that doesn't make them the Gatekeeper, so take their opinion as "advice", not "direction". Remember, you're still steering the car because you know where you want to go.
Moral of the story today is simply this: How many of you out there have ever been "in love"? Quite a few I would imagine. How many of you that answered "yes" were looking for it when it found you? Were you ready for it when it found you? My guess would be probably not, and I would imagine it scared the hell out of you when you realized you were losing yourself to someone else, but how good did it feel? When you look for it, you "convince yourself" that the feeling is love. When it finds you, your heart "enlightens you" to what you've just found. If you want it to make an impact, let it find you, and hope you're not ready for it when it does. That's when your heart and soul will be put to the test, and that's what makes loving someone else fun.
How many times have you set out to find something that you misplaced or knew you just had in your possession and couldn't remember what you did with it? I know, me too. Here's the catch though. Why do we find ourselves looking for our house key in that coat we haven't worn since last winter or looking in the car we just got out of for the same key? You know as well as I do that you just used that same key to get in the door AFTER you got out of the car. Why did you go back to the car? The answer is understandable, yet not as simple as 2+2. The reason is you just got out of that car and you know you had the key while you were in the car, so the logical thing to do is retrace your steps and go backward. When you realize how proposterous that idea is, you move forward and begin to look wherever you can. You know if you search everywhere, high and low;that key will pop up,right? So you begin your search for that most important necessity to you at that moment: the house key. You look in that pair of pants you wore three days ago. Empty. Then you move onto the bathroom, knowing you haven't even stepped foot in the bathroom since you've been home. Is the key there? Of course not. Why would it be, and why would you look somewhere that you know the key can't be present? Well, because you want to find that key, and you'll stop at nothing until it's back in your possession. So, the hunt continues. You get to the point where on the verge of giving up hope, you make one last ditch effort to round up that key and you call a friend to ask for their help. You don't want them to find the key; you just want them to help YOU find it. Now the friend isn't the guiding light, but they offer something that you can't at this point: alternate perspective.
Over the last few months, I have seen posts on Facebook from a few of my friends stating that they were LOOKING for "Mr. Right/Ms. Right". They don't know where he/she is at; but they know he/she's out there somewhere and they want to find him/her, no matter the cost. Now, as I stated before; I'm not Dr. Phil but I have been through this ringer a time or two.
Here is the first and most important piece of advice: STOP LOOKING for them. Let them find you, or even better,hope you find your way to each other. When you have it in your mind that "Mr. Right/Ms. Right" will be found, you overlook a few of their inadequacies instead of having what you really want. Yes, they make you laugh; and you just love the way their passion exposes itself when speaking on a subject they firmly believe in. However, what if they have a pet and that pet is a cat? Now you know you're allergic to cats, so unless you are only going to see each other at your place, you need to think about this dilemma and think about it early. Yeah, I know you can get a shot to take away this minor inconvenience, so let me give you another reference. Let's say you find what you think is "Mr. Right/Ms. Right", and you realize two weeks in that they enjoy smoking marijuana rather frequently, yet you have random drug tests at your place of employment. Are you going to hang around? Some will, some won't; but those who do are "hoping they change" instead of realizing if they were that way when you met them, you can't expect them to change. Have you ever test drove a car;decided to buy it and then tried to take it back because you wanted a different color? Let me know how it works out for you if you ever try that one. You will have no luck, just to save you the trouble. If you meet someone in a bar, yet you don't agree with their drinking; there in lies a problem. Why are you trying to meet people in a bar in the first place? I assure you that "Mr. Right/Ms. Right" is NOT in a bar or a night club. Now "Mr./Ms. Right Now" they can be, but not for the distant future. Also, when looking for your future, do not go back to previous pawns in your game of love. This is in reference to looking in the car for the keys you used to get in the house. Why are you going backwards? There's a reason you go back to that person and it's called convenience or comfort. It may be a person who gave you the most pleasure to your body, yet the most pain to your heart. Memo to you back trackers: Keep it moving! There is a reason they are in your past, so they should be left there. Go out tomorrow and walk down the road looking over your shoulder to see what's behind you. I will tell you thank you right now for reading my blog because this will be the last one you read before you get hit by a car. DO NOT look back; keep your eyes forward. That also goes for that pair of pants you wore three days ago, yet you're looking in them for keys you misplaced five minutes ago. They are not in them either. Those jeans have no bearing on your keys, as they were not present when you lost the keys.Look in the door. I know it is the obvious choice, but it's also the safest place.
After I tell you to look in the door, your friend just walked in and pulled the keys out of the door. They already knew on the way over to your house that they were going to look there first. Why? They are your friend for a reason, and they know that you would never think to look in the obvious place:the door. They know you're in panic mode right now and aren't thinking clearly, and that's what friends are for. That is the same reason that we, at times, will rely on our friends to find that "someone" for us. They know what our strengths, weaknesses, turn-ons, and turn-offs are, so we trust them with the possibility of our future. Let them ride with you, but make sure you are still in control of the steering wheel. It's your heart and your future. They may be able to find your keys for you, but that doesn't make them the Gatekeeper, so take their opinion as "advice", not "direction". Remember, you're still steering the car because you know where you want to go.
Moral of the story today is simply this: How many of you out there have ever been "in love"? Quite a few I would imagine. How many of you that answered "yes" were looking for it when it found you? Were you ready for it when it found you? My guess would be probably not, and I would imagine it scared the hell out of you when you realized you were losing yourself to someone else, but how good did it feel? When you look for it, you "convince yourself" that the feeling is love. When it finds you, your heart "enlightens you" to what you've just found. If you want it to make an impact, let it find you, and hope you're not ready for it when it does. That's when your heart and soul will be put to the test, and that's what makes loving someone else fun.
Friday, May 1, 2009
My adventures with "Strep" and the update.....
OK, first let me start by saying that I was raised by a single father who is from the old school. I mean, this is the same guy who would make me piss in a cup when I was little if I had an earache. His rationale was that the "acids in the piss would fight the infection away". Yeah, that's easy for you to say as you use that dropper to squirt piss in my ear and then cover it up with a cotton ball. The slightest turn of my ear from a 90 degree angle and it would be running down my face. That's old school. Well, when you're raised by that mentality, you develop the same mentality. "If it ain't falling off, broken, or bleeding profusely;it will heal without a doctor making me pay him to tell me how to do it."
I now bring you to the present day and my battle with something us smokers battle rather frequently: STREP THROAT! As some of you know, I had been battling being sick a few weeks ago. I went to my dad's to help him rake up all of his leaves in his yard so he could get it presentable for "pool season". Well, that day of all days, it began to rain. I had a softball tournament the next day and needed to get the leaves done so it wouldn't be a burden later. So like an idiot I decide to rake in the rain and stick it out. The next morning I felt OK, but not as good as I needed to considering I would be playing ball all day in the sun. Needless to say, I gutted it out, but remember making the statement in the last game that I would be "sick as hell" the next day. Low and behold, Sunday morning comes and I feel like death heated up for 20 minutes in a microwave. On my way back to my dad's I go to finish raking leaves that "I missed". Are you serious Dad? The damn Masters is coming on, and we have to do the leaves now? So we do the leaves and my throat is killing me, but of course I'm chiefing my heaters as per usual.
It's now the end of the day, and I need rest and water....lots of water, and cough drops, and anything else I can find to lower my temperature and make me feel better. Have I mentioned yet that I was leaving for Greenville,NC at 5a.m. to work for the entire week with 3 guys I've never met before in my life? Well, that's the plan. So I finally doze off at about 12:30 and the alarm goes off at 3:30 a.m. Man, do I feel fantastic at this point? I may have five pounds of sweat in my shirt as I try to pull myself off of the couch to go get in the shower. I really have to ride in a car with a guy I've never met before for 3 hours as sick as I am? Oh well, suck it up. You're just sick John;it happens to all of us. So I'm showered and ready to go; and my dad says to me as soon as we get in the car: "Damn boy, you look like shit. You gonna make it?" With everybody cheering me up this way, how could I not, right?
So, I get to the boss' house and good thing he's a friend of my dad's and myself or he might have just told me to take my sick ass back to the house. He hands me my per diem money for the week,and the first thing I'm thinking is "Get me to the damn store so I can grab some cough drops and orange juice, dude!" Did I tell you that I've never met this cat before in my life? I thought so, which is what makes the next party LOL funny to me. We get on the highway heading for G-ville at about 5:15. This cat needs to double as a NASCAR driver in his spare time because the speedometer never dropped below 95 mph the entire time. You may be laughing, but I'm serious. At 5:45 a.m. he fires up some shit that would have had Cheech and Chong smiling. This was a "hog leg" this cat was holding and he proceeds to wake me up before 6 a.m. asking me if I want a hit. Look bro, you don't know me and I don't know you, so why are you trying to send me to "Zulu Nation" at 6 a.m. on Monday? My exact words were "Hell no. I've been sick for 3 days;I'm sweating like Hillary Clinton running for president, and we have to work in about 2 hours. If you want me out of this truck TODAY, get that thing away from me." So, I worked until Thursday, doped up on Ibuprofen and beer. When I came home, I still felt like death, but I kept it moving. Last week, I continued to feel bad and on Thursday I developed a "rash". Where the hell did that come from? Ok, the sore throat I can deal with, because as I said before;I'm a smoker. However, I now have a small rash. With all respect to my father, I listen to most advice, and although it's not bleeding profusely, broken, or falling off; it's a damn rash and I'm done avoiding Trapper John M.D. Off to the doctor I go. So I go in and the girl at the front desk asks me why I'm there. My response is short and sweet: "My throat has been sore for almost 2 weeks and when I woke up yesterday morning, I had this." I proceed to show her my disfigurement and she says: "Ooooh, what is that?" It's a damn rash you moron!! Get me some help.
After an hour, the little chic who is supposed to take my blood pressure comes to get me in the lobby. I sit down and she straps me up and sees the rash while lacing me up for my BP check. "What happened?", she asks me with an uncomfortable sound in her voice.Well, you know me. Mr Jokester couldn't resist. " I sleep in the nude and I sleep walk. I guess I took the wrong path last night, because when I woke up in the back yard this morning, the first thing I thought was where are my clothes and why do I have this rash on my arms and stomach?" She laughed and led me back to my room. I sat there for about a half an hour and in comes the Doc. "What can I do for you Mr. Herndon?" "Well, my throat feels like I swallowed sandpaper and I have this thing and I want to know why." I'm pissed because I look like someone tried to play connect the dots on my chest and stomach. She gives me a strep test and the results are positive. She also informs me that due to the fact that I waited so long to come in, I now have a bacterial infection and need PENICILLIN to get rid of it. Nice!! So she writes my prescription and off I go. I spend all day Saturday playing in another softball tournament and popping penicillin pills. My teammates are talking to me but keeping their distance from me like I'm a damn social leper. But, in all honesty, it freaked me out and it was on my body. Hopefully it will get better soon. NOPE! Sunday was pretty much the norm, and I spent most of the day inside since I was packing to move.
Back to Greenville I go Monday morning this week, and yes, 100 mph the whole way and the usual "Hey man, you want a hit?" I put my headphones on and close my eyes. We work all day Monday and needless to say it's "hotter than 2 rats f-ing in a wool sock". I take a shower and am ready to relax. The guy I'm rooming with says: "Jesus dude, what the hell happened?" I look in the mirror and I feel like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. I look like someone just shot me with a damn red paintball gun while I was in the shower. The rash has spread considerably and is now darker. I call the doctor who examined me in K-ville, and she tells me I "may have had an allergic reaction to the penicillin." My first thought is "How many years did you go to school to come up with that assessment?" "I'm gonna call in a new prescription for you." she tells me with assurance in her voice. So she gives me the Z-Pack, which the price proves just how proud they are of this jewel. I'm thinking that this might just kick this shit to the curb. NOPE, same results, so I call today and they tell me to come in and they'll re-examine me. So I do.
Well, here I am back home and in the doc's office. He comes in and takes one look at my rash and I think he's got it pegged. Talk to me doc. He says "You wanna know what's going on?" "No doc, I wanna keep looking like a circus freak, but thanks for the concern." He looks me dead in the eye and says "You're toxic." I couldn't resist at this point. "The only thing that could have made that statement any better would be if you were Britney Spears on an airplane, wearing a stewardess outfit and rubbing your rack in my face." He got a kick out of that, but proceeded to tell me the infection had spread and got into my blood stream and that's where the rash came from. "I'm gonna give you a shot and some steroids. You'll be good as new in a few days." SWEET! Wait, did you say steroids? I took Prednisone last year for 5 days and I was ready to fight everybody at Myrtle Beach. So, in comes the nurse to give my shot of steroids. Wait, do you have anyone under 200 lbs. and under the age of 45? "Can you give me your name and D-O-B please?" I give the info and she, without flinching says, "Can you drop your shorts and bend over the table for me?" Damn, it's a good thing she got my name and D-O-B or I might have felt a little violated. She tells me that my shot is steroids too. Great, am I gonna be on Capitol Hill next week? So, there I am with my shorts at me knees and getting a needle jammed in my right ass cheek to make an infection go away. The funny thing is that I will not "misremember" that pain for a while. My damn right leg almost went numb. Then she hands me my prescription and sends me on my way. So I drop off my prescription at Wally World and wait to see just what I'm getting. 30 Prednsione??!! YES!! I have to take steroids for 2 weeks. The Madman will be on the war path for the next 2 weeks. If you had seen me at Myrtle Beach last summer, you'd know what I mean. Me and steroids don't gel very well
Moral of today's story? If you have strep throat or you feel bad for a minimum of a week, go to the doctor. Old school, new school, no school. Your health is nothing to play with, and this story is living proof. I don't even want to leave the damn house right now, but have to start moving, so I guess I have no choice. Have a great weekend, and pray you don't cut my "roided up ass" off in traffic anytime in the next 2 weeks.
I now bring you to the present day and my battle with something us smokers battle rather frequently: STREP THROAT! As some of you know, I had been battling being sick a few weeks ago. I went to my dad's to help him rake up all of his leaves in his yard so he could get it presentable for "pool season". Well, that day of all days, it began to rain. I had a softball tournament the next day and needed to get the leaves done so it wouldn't be a burden later. So like an idiot I decide to rake in the rain and stick it out. The next morning I felt OK, but not as good as I needed to considering I would be playing ball all day in the sun. Needless to say, I gutted it out, but remember making the statement in the last game that I would be "sick as hell" the next day. Low and behold, Sunday morning comes and I feel like death heated up for 20 minutes in a microwave. On my way back to my dad's I go to finish raking leaves that "I missed". Are you serious Dad? The damn Masters is coming on, and we have to do the leaves now? So we do the leaves and my throat is killing me, but of course I'm chiefing my heaters as per usual.
It's now the end of the day, and I need rest and water....lots of water, and cough drops, and anything else I can find to lower my temperature and make me feel better. Have I mentioned yet that I was leaving for Greenville,NC at 5a.m. to work for the entire week with 3 guys I've never met before in my life? Well, that's the plan. So I finally doze off at about 12:30 and the alarm goes off at 3:30 a.m. Man, do I feel fantastic at this point? I may have five pounds of sweat in my shirt as I try to pull myself off of the couch to go get in the shower. I really have to ride in a car with a guy I've never met before for 3 hours as sick as I am? Oh well, suck it up. You're just sick John;it happens to all of us. So I'm showered and ready to go; and my dad says to me as soon as we get in the car: "Damn boy, you look like shit. You gonna make it?" With everybody cheering me up this way, how could I not, right?
So, I get to the boss' house and good thing he's a friend of my dad's and myself or he might have just told me to take my sick ass back to the house. He hands me my per diem money for the week,and the first thing I'm thinking is "Get me to the damn store so I can grab some cough drops and orange juice, dude!" Did I tell you that I've never met this cat before in my life? I thought so, which is what makes the next party LOL funny to me. We get on the highway heading for G-ville at about 5:15. This cat needs to double as a NASCAR driver in his spare time because the speedometer never dropped below 95 mph the entire time. You may be laughing, but I'm serious. At 5:45 a.m. he fires up some shit that would have had Cheech and Chong smiling. This was a "hog leg" this cat was holding and he proceeds to wake me up before 6 a.m. asking me if I want a hit. Look bro, you don't know me and I don't know you, so why are you trying to send me to "Zulu Nation" at 6 a.m. on Monday? My exact words were "Hell no. I've been sick for 3 days;I'm sweating like Hillary Clinton running for president, and we have to work in about 2 hours. If you want me out of this truck TODAY, get that thing away from me." So, I worked until Thursday, doped up on Ibuprofen and beer. When I came home, I still felt like death, but I kept it moving. Last week, I continued to feel bad and on Thursday I developed a "rash". Where the hell did that come from? Ok, the sore throat I can deal with, because as I said before;I'm a smoker. However, I now have a small rash. With all respect to my father, I listen to most advice, and although it's not bleeding profusely, broken, or falling off; it's a damn rash and I'm done avoiding Trapper John M.D. Off to the doctor I go. So I go in and the girl at the front desk asks me why I'm there. My response is short and sweet: "My throat has been sore for almost 2 weeks and when I woke up yesterday morning, I had this." I proceed to show her my disfigurement and she says: "Ooooh, what is that?" It's a damn rash you moron!! Get me some help.
After an hour, the little chic who is supposed to take my blood pressure comes to get me in the lobby. I sit down and she straps me up and sees the rash while lacing me up for my BP check. "What happened?", she asks me with an uncomfortable sound in her voice.Well, you know me. Mr Jokester couldn't resist. " I sleep in the nude and I sleep walk. I guess I took the wrong path last night, because when I woke up in the back yard this morning, the first thing I thought was where are my clothes and why do I have this rash on my arms and stomach?" She laughed and led me back to my room. I sat there for about a half an hour and in comes the Doc. "What can I do for you Mr. Herndon?" "Well, my throat feels like I swallowed sandpaper and I have this thing and I want to know why." I'm pissed because I look like someone tried to play connect the dots on my chest and stomach. She gives me a strep test and the results are positive. She also informs me that due to the fact that I waited so long to come in, I now have a bacterial infection and need PENICILLIN to get rid of it. Nice!! So she writes my prescription and off I go. I spend all day Saturday playing in another softball tournament and popping penicillin pills. My teammates are talking to me but keeping their distance from me like I'm a damn social leper. But, in all honesty, it freaked me out and it was on my body. Hopefully it will get better soon. NOPE! Sunday was pretty much the norm, and I spent most of the day inside since I was packing to move.
Back to Greenville I go Monday morning this week, and yes, 100 mph the whole way and the usual "Hey man, you want a hit?" I put my headphones on and close my eyes. We work all day Monday and needless to say it's "hotter than 2 rats f-ing in a wool sock". I take a shower and am ready to relax. The guy I'm rooming with says: "Jesus dude, what the hell happened?" I look in the mirror and I feel like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. I look like someone just shot me with a damn red paintball gun while I was in the shower. The rash has spread considerably and is now darker. I call the doctor who examined me in K-ville, and she tells me I "may have had an allergic reaction to the penicillin." My first thought is "How many years did you go to school to come up with that assessment?" "I'm gonna call in a new prescription for you." she tells me with assurance in her voice. So she gives me the Z-Pack, which the price proves just how proud they are of this jewel. I'm thinking that this might just kick this shit to the curb. NOPE, same results, so I call today and they tell me to come in and they'll re-examine me. So I do.
Well, here I am back home and in the doc's office. He comes in and takes one look at my rash and I think he's got it pegged. Talk to me doc. He says "You wanna know what's going on?" "No doc, I wanna keep looking like a circus freak, but thanks for the concern." He looks me dead in the eye and says "You're toxic." I couldn't resist at this point. "The only thing that could have made that statement any better would be if you were Britney Spears on an airplane, wearing a stewardess outfit and rubbing your rack in my face." He got a kick out of that, but proceeded to tell me the infection had spread and got into my blood stream and that's where the rash came from. "I'm gonna give you a shot and some steroids. You'll be good as new in a few days." SWEET! Wait, did you say steroids? I took Prednisone last year for 5 days and I was ready to fight everybody at Myrtle Beach. So, in comes the nurse to give my shot of steroids. Wait, do you have anyone under 200 lbs. and under the age of 45? "Can you give me your name and D-O-B please?" I give the info and she, without flinching says, "Can you drop your shorts and bend over the table for me?" Damn, it's a good thing she got my name and D-O-B or I might have felt a little violated. She tells me that my shot is steroids too. Great, am I gonna be on Capitol Hill next week? So, there I am with my shorts at me knees and getting a needle jammed in my right ass cheek to make an infection go away. The funny thing is that I will not "misremember" that pain for a while. My damn right leg almost went numb. Then she hands me my prescription and sends me on my way. So I drop off my prescription at Wally World and wait to see just what I'm getting. 30 Prednsione??!! YES!! I have to take steroids for 2 weeks. The Madman will be on the war path for the next 2 weeks. If you had seen me at Myrtle Beach last summer, you'd know what I mean. Me and steroids don't gel very well
Moral of today's story? If you have strep throat or you feel bad for a minimum of a week, go to the doctor. Old school, new school, no school. Your health is nothing to play with, and this story is living proof. I don't even want to leave the damn house right now, but have to start moving, so I guess I have no choice. Have a great weekend, and pray you don't cut my "roided up ass" off in traffic anytime in the next 2 weeks.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
MTF Syndrome....or "Moving Too Fast"
Some of you may be able to relate to this and some may not, but this is on my mind so I have to share.
How many of you at one point in time have either heard someone tell you or uttered these words to someone: "We're moving too fast!" I've heard stories from friends of mine and even been told and told someone else these exact words, but didn't really analyze them until recently. What makes it "too fast"? Now, I know there are the obvious tell-tale signs.
For example, if you go on 1 date and the next day, one of the parties involved invites the other to a family member's wedding, that's too fast.
If you meet for drinks and have a good time, and one of the parties ends the night with "So, do you want to be exclusive yet?"....well, that's not only too fast.That's about as awkward as going to a party with a boner while wearing sweatpants. You see where I'm going with this right?
OK, so now on to the confusing part. I'll start with the guys. Guys, if you are "involved" with a woman or girl or whatever the case may be, and you let her stay at your house almost every night, you deserve what you get when she doesn't understand. If persuading or coercing her into sodomy is involved, you have no one to blame but yourself. You can't take a woman's one "sacred" thing away from her and think she's going to be cool with it when you say "I need some space." However, just because you hang out with someone doesn't mean they have to give you the keys to the Cadillac right from the start. Rome wasn't built in one day, and neither can a lasting commitment.
Now ladies, it's time for some role reversal for you lovely specimen, yet royal pains in our asses. Women can lead a man down a one way street at 150 mph with no caution signs and think we can just stop on a dime like a damn public safety car infomercial. Not so much. If you let us animals into your home...strike 1. If you cook for us,and not macaroni and cheese;I'm talking 3 course meal....that's strike 2. Now, if you "put it on us"....swing and a miss and take your ass back to the dugout....STRIKE 3!! Guys can handle having sex; we're guys. We need 4 things to be successful. (1) Find a hole, preferrably moist. (2) Insert (3) Thrust (4) Repeat. That's it. Women want passion. They want to feel safe. They want kissing. Guys don't need all of that jazz. Most guys are there on a mission. "Get in, get off, get out." Right fellas? I'm not speaking for myself. Some of you readers may know that to be true, but I just thought I'd clarify that.
So, the moral story of this part is guys don't need a lot. Let them do their thing between the sheets, and they're happy. The only problem is that every now and then, WE run into a woman who knows what she wants and knows how she wants it. That's when a man can get hooked and not be able to see straight for a while. So ladies, if you break any of these 3 rules, don't say I didn't tell you it would happen.
Now comes the real struggle, but I think I know why. Dating someone new can always be interesting. Let's say you go on a first date and you have a good time. Now, let's say you want to see them again. Is the next day too soon? YES and NO. YES because you want to give them time to think about you and WANT to see you again, not AGREE to see you again. Let them think about that joke you told them or the story you shared about their #1 on the "bucket list" being taking a gondola ride in Italy. You remember things like that because you were attentive and were interested in what they were saying. They will remember you opening the door for them and putting your hand on the small of their back as you let her walk in first. Careful guys, no ass grabbing!! NO because you are really interested in them, and you want the fun to continue. If the feeling is mutual, you're off to a good start. Roll with it.
The misconception of being told "We're moving too fast" and hearing "Damn dude, we just met and you want to go get a puppy together" is what needs to be interpreted. First of all, dating someone new and developing feelings for them you aren't ready for is like riding an unfamiliar roller coaster. You know it COULD be fun, but you're not sure. You've seen a lot of people come off of that same ride happy and smiling, but they might be different than you. They might have been ready to ride it, and you still have doubts. So, finally you decide to go for a ride. You sit down, and inspect your seat harness like you're checking your favorite dog for ticks. Your heart starts racing as you hear the equipment fire up. The ride that scares the hell out of you right now because you don't know exactly what will happen is about to start. You hold on tight, as your stomach starts to turn. The wheels start rolling ahead on the narrow path and you can't turn back now. The tension mounts and you start to look down, not wanting to think about what's in front of you. You don't know when the bottom is going to fall out, but you know it's coming. STOP!! Why are you worried about the bottom falling out? ENJOY THE RIDE! You agreed to take the ride, and you're already worrying about what negative event is going to take place first. So the ride throws you for all kind of loops that you didn't notice from a distance. So what? The car comes to a stop and your experience is over. Wait, why are you going back to the line to ride again? The answer is simple. Because you conquered your fear and you enjoyed the ride and want to do it again....NOW! Not next week or next month...but now. Welcome to the adrenalin rush that comes from the anticipation of hanging out someone new that you want to see as much as Andy Griffith reruns. It doesn't mean you're a "psycho" or "obsessive" if you've done this. It just means you like someone else and want to spend more time with them. Fortunately for some of the ones that get the "MTF" line, there is a postive to it.
If someone tells you that you're "moving too fast", don't fret. They said "We need to slow down a little." They DID NOT say "Get lost" or "Don't call me, I'll call you." Take your consolation prize and be thankful for what I'm about to say. Have you ever thought that they told you that because they see something in you after a short bit that they really like and feel like they might be losing some of themselves in you? They like you right back,but have been here before and someone else made them feel just as special as you are right now. Yours may be 100% genuine and you may know that, but they don't. Be patient. Everyone always throws their best game in the beginning. Do you honestly think that a woman would call a man asking to see him again if he was flatulent without remorse in the beginning? In a word...NO! Ladies, do you honestly think a man would call you for more if you acted like Andie Anderson(How To Lose....) Not a damn chance, unless you are super hot and that still might not matter. Be true to yourself, no matter what. THIS person might not like it at all, but THAT person might think you are great. The last census I saw said there over 7.5 billion people in the world. Somebody will like the real you, don't worry.
Now, this is for the ones who use "the line" on other people. Simmer down! Don't make them feel like a stalker because they like you and want more time with you. Take it as a compliment to yourself. As I said, there are over 7.5 billion in this world, and they want to spend time with YOU. They see something in you that they like, which is a good thing for you. Doesn't it make you feel good a little bit to know that who you are and who you have become over the course of your life is attractive to another person? It could be a physical attraction, a mental attraction, or a combination of both. Whatever it is, it's a compliment to who you are. Take it as such. If you don't feel it like they do, then you have to figure out what to do next, but remember it's not a competition of who likes/loves the other more. Just know that if it's there, it needs attention.
How many of you like being "chased"? I do, don't get me wrong; but there should be a limit. Everyone knows that we are all humans, and still carry the old school mentality of "You want what you can't have." Yeah, that's great and all, but you can only be a fool for so long. If you call me for a week, and I don't return your call, are you going to keep calling? Show of hands.......good answer! Those of you who said "yes" are gluttons for punishment and need to be removed from civilization. If I call someone for a week and get no response, consider me gone. I understand that putting your heart on your sleeve and stopping at nothing shows someone else just how much you want to be with them, but when does their behavior cross over to "playing games"? Don't worry, I'll wait........... My point exactly. I have done both: played hard to get and played the getting game and have succeeded at both, but I was younger and didn't look at life or love the same way back then as I do now. I have a 6 year old daughter as most of you know, and I watch her play with other little kids. I see that "tag" is still popular 25 years later, and they still play the same way we did back when we were young and innocent. One person chases another person until they catch them. Well, usually when someone chases and catches you, your first reaction is to chase them back, right? Do you see my point? For those of you who chase, run fast to catch that person. Now, if they start chasing you back, run even faster. See if they can keep up! And for those of you who make someone chase you;you better be faster than everyone else because if the chaser feels that they're wasting time chasing you because you're too fast, they WILL in fact begin to chase someone else that they believe they can keep up with. Trust me, I've seen both sides.
To end this, I'm going to give you an example of trust and opening up even though you may be terrified. We have all progressed from the caveman montra. We want to protect what's ours, and will stop at nothing to keep it safe from harm. Guard your heart as best as you can, and protect yourself to the fullest. Even the sweetest animal on Earth, the dog, is protective of it's surroundings. If a dog sees you and doesn't trust you completely, what will it do first? That's right...he growls first and barks second. That's their defense mechanism. Ours is to blame other people's actions on why we are scared to fall again. You are in control of your own heart, until you decide it's safe with someone else. Trusting another with a piece of your future is not the end of the world....it could be the beginning of something special. Guard your heart, and trust your soul for what your future holds. I'll take the dog's behavior when it comes to "taking a chance" over a turtle's defense mechanism any day. What does a turtle do when he gets scared? You got it!! Don't be a turtle......be yourself.
How many of you at one point in time have either heard someone tell you or uttered these words to someone: "We're moving too fast!" I've heard stories from friends of mine and even been told and told someone else these exact words, but didn't really analyze them until recently. What makes it "too fast"? Now, I know there are the obvious tell-tale signs.
For example, if you go on 1 date and the next day, one of the parties involved invites the other to a family member's wedding, that's too fast.
If you meet for drinks and have a good time, and one of the parties ends the night with "So, do you want to be exclusive yet?"....well, that's not only too fast.That's about as awkward as going to a party with a boner while wearing sweatpants. You see where I'm going with this right?
OK, so now on to the confusing part. I'll start with the guys. Guys, if you are "involved" with a woman or girl or whatever the case may be, and you let her stay at your house almost every night, you deserve what you get when she doesn't understand. If persuading or coercing her into sodomy is involved, you have no one to blame but yourself. You can't take a woman's one "sacred" thing away from her and think she's going to be cool with it when you say "I need some space." However, just because you hang out with someone doesn't mean they have to give you the keys to the Cadillac right from the start. Rome wasn't built in one day, and neither can a lasting commitment.
Now ladies, it's time for some role reversal for you lovely specimen, yet royal pains in our asses. Women can lead a man down a one way street at 150 mph with no caution signs and think we can just stop on a dime like a damn public safety car infomercial. Not so much. If you let us animals into your home...strike 1. If you cook for us,and not macaroni and cheese;I'm talking 3 course meal....that's strike 2. Now, if you "put it on us"....swing and a miss and take your ass back to the dugout....STRIKE 3!! Guys can handle having sex; we're guys. We need 4 things to be successful. (1) Find a hole, preferrably moist. (2) Insert (3) Thrust (4) Repeat. That's it. Women want passion. They want to feel safe. They want kissing. Guys don't need all of that jazz. Most guys are there on a mission. "Get in, get off, get out." Right fellas? I'm not speaking for myself. Some of you readers may know that to be true, but I just thought I'd clarify that.
So, the moral story of this part is guys don't need a lot. Let them do their thing between the sheets, and they're happy. The only problem is that every now and then, WE run into a woman who knows what she wants and knows how she wants it. That's when a man can get hooked and not be able to see straight for a while. So ladies, if you break any of these 3 rules, don't say I didn't tell you it would happen.
Now comes the real struggle, but I think I know why. Dating someone new can always be interesting. Let's say you go on a first date and you have a good time. Now, let's say you want to see them again. Is the next day too soon? YES and NO. YES because you want to give them time to think about you and WANT to see you again, not AGREE to see you again. Let them think about that joke you told them or the story you shared about their #1 on the "bucket list" being taking a gondola ride in Italy. You remember things like that because you were attentive and were interested in what they were saying. They will remember you opening the door for them and putting your hand on the small of their back as you let her walk in first. Careful guys, no ass grabbing!! NO because you are really interested in them, and you want the fun to continue. If the feeling is mutual, you're off to a good start. Roll with it.
The misconception of being told "We're moving too fast" and hearing "Damn dude, we just met and you want to go get a puppy together" is what needs to be interpreted. First of all, dating someone new and developing feelings for them you aren't ready for is like riding an unfamiliar roller coaster. You know it COULD be fun, but you're not sure. You've seen a lot of people come off of that same ride happy and smiling, but they might be different than you. They might have been ready to ride it, and you still have doubts. So, finally you decide to go for a ride. You sit down, and inspect your seat harness like you're checking your favorite dog for ticks. Your heart starts racing as you hear the equipment fire up. The ride that scares the hell out of you right now because you don't know exactly what will happen is about to start. You hold on tight, as your stomach starts to turn. The wheels start rolling ahead on the narrow path and you can't turn back now. The tension mounts and you start to look down, not wanting to think about what's in front of you. You don't know when the bottom is going to fall out, but you know it's coming. STOP!! Why are you worried about the bottom falling out? ENJOY THE RIDE! You agreed to take the ride, and you're already worrying about what negative event is going to take place first. So the ride throws you for all kind of loops that you didn't notice from a distance. So what? The car comes to a stop and your experience is over. Wait, why are you going back to the line to ride again? The answer is simple. Because you conquered your fear and you enjoyed the ride and want to do it again....NOW! Not next week or next month...but now. Welcome to the adrenalin rush that comes from the anticipation of hanging out someone new that you want to see as much as Andy Griffith reruns. It doesn't mean you're a "psycho" or "obsessive" if you've done this. It just means you like someone else and want to spend more time with them. Fortunately for some of the ones that get the "MTF" line, there is a postive to it.
If someone tells you that you're "moving too fast", don't fret. They said "We need to slow down a little." They DID NOT say "Get lost" or "Don't call me, I'll call you." Take your consolation prize and be thankful for what I'm about to say. Have you ever thought that they told you that because they see something in you after a short bit that they really like and feel like they might be losing some of themselves in you? They like you right back,but have been here before and someone else made them feel just as special as you are right now. Yours may be 100% genuine and you may know that, but they don't. Be patient. Everyone always throws their best game in the beginning. Do you honestly think that a woman would call a man asking to see him again if he was flatulent without remorse in the beginning? In a word...NO! Ladies, do you honestly think a man would call you for more if you acted like Andie Anderson(How To Lose....) Not a damn chance, unless you are super hot and that still might not matter. Be true to yourself, no matter what. THIS person might not like it at all, but THAT person might think you are great. The last census I saw said there over 7.5 billion people in the world. Somebody will like the real you, don't worry.
Now, this is for the ones who use "the line" on other people. Simmer down! Don't make them feel like a stalker because they like you and want more time with you. Take it as a compliment to yourself. As I said, there are over 7.5 billion in this world, and they want to spend time with YOU. They see something in you that they like, which is a good thing for you. Doesn't it make you feel good a little bit to know that who you are and who you have become over the course of your life is attractive to another person? It could be a physical attraction, a mental attraction, or a combination of both. Whatever it is, it's a compliment to who you are. Take it as such. If you don't feel it like they do, then you have to figure out what to do next, but remember it's not a competition of who likes/loves the other more. Just know that if it's there, it needs attention.
How many of you like being "chased"? I do, don't get me wrong; but there should be a limit. Everyone knows that we are all humans, and still carry the old school mentality of "You want what you can't have." Yeah, that's great and all, but you can only be a fool for so long. If you call me for a week, and I don't return your call, are you going to keep calling? Show of hands.......good answer! Those of you who said "yes" are gluttons for punishment and need to be removed from civilization. If I call someone for a week and get no response, consider me gone. I understand that putting your heart on your sleeve and stopping at nothing shows someone else just how much you want to be with them, but when does their behavior cross over to "playing games"? Don't worry, I'll wait........... My point exactly. I have done both: played hard to get and played the getting game and have succeeded at both, but I was younger and didn't look at life or love the same way back then as I do now. I have a 6 year old daughter as most of you know, and I watch her play with other little kids. I see that "tag" is still popular 25 years later, and they still play the same way we did back when we were young and innocent. One person chases another person until they catch them. Well, usually when someone chases and catches you, your first reaction is to chase them back, right? Do you see my point? For those of you who chase, run fast to catch that person. Now, if they start chasing you back, run even faster. See if they can keep up! And for those of you who make someone chase you;you better be faster than everyone else because if the chaser feels that they're wasting time chasing you because you're too fast, they WILL in fact begin to chase someone else that they believe they can keep up with. Trust me, I've seen both sides.
To end this, I'm going to give you an example of trust and opening up even though you may be terrified. We have all progressed from the caveman montra. We want to protect what's ours, and will stop at nothing to keep it safe from harm. Guard your heart as best as you can, and protect yourself to the fullest. Even the sweetest animal on Earth, the dog, is protective of it's surroundings. If a dog sees you and doesn't trust you completely, what will it do first? That's right...he growls first and barks second. That's their defense mechanism. Ours is to blame other people's actions on why we are scared to fall again. You are in control of your own heart, until you decide it's safe with someone else. Trusting another with a piece of your future is not the end of the world....it could be the beginning of something special. Guard your heart, and trust your soul for what your future holds. I'll take the dog's behavior when it comes to "taking a chance" over a turtle's defense mechanism any day. What does a turtle do when he gets scared? You got it!! Don't be a turtle......be yourself.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
You again?? Is this real?
Many of you have told me over the course of my life, "I just wish I knew what you were thinking." Well, now you may just get to find out. I'm 32 years old now and realize that there are many special people that come into our lives from time to time. Some come for a purpose, some stay, some go, and some just hang around. Why? Why are you just hanging around? A wise man once said,"Shit or get off the pot." And for once I understand how he came to that philosophical conclusion.
As many of you know, I just got out of an engagement earlier this year. I swore to myself that after my first marriage, I would never entertain that thought again. To my own dismay, I had decided to give in and take a chance on "love and marriage" again. I know, I know....I'm thinking about Al,Peg,Kelly,and Bud Bundy right now too! But I was ready to do it again, because after 3 years of rebuilding my value of love from my divorce, I had fallen in love again....and it was "real". Unfortunately, I had rebuilt myself along the way to being a more understanding and caring person to others and being "doubted" was not going to work for me. Some people have major trust issues from past experiences, and that's understandable. I have them myself, but you can't take it out on the next person because it's happened to you before. We are all human beings and we can't pick and choose how we feel, but we need to also take other people's hearts and souls into consideration when battling our own demons.
That being said, I don't think this would have ever happened; so it had to end. It was painful, contrary to popular belief, but the sting of it was about as surreal as it got. I took a chance, and it failed. Did I fail? Did we fail? No, the relationship failed. I will ALWAYS love that woman, but was not "in love" with her or us anymore, and when that's gone, you're beat. You have to spread your wings and learn to fly again.
So, not even enough time for me to look over my shoulder goes by, and now appears a "blast from the past". I had a major thing for this one for about half of my senior year, but never spoke up about it. I was a "jock" and a "skirt chaser" in high school. The funny thing is that there weren't many times that I didn't find myself with a girlfriend. "Skirt chasing jock" + "girlfriend"= bad results! Well, when the time came for my high school sweetheart and myself to go our own way, my sights were set "dead red" on one girl. If she's reading this, she knows who she is, but you others can just wonder. Hey,it's my blog....I make my own rules. So, I'm after her....hard. The battle I face now is that she has always seen me as the "class clown". How can she take me serious? She doesn't of course. Time to put a little pressure on her I guess. So I did what any guy in my position would have done. I was as obvious as I could be. I still wasn't getting the response I wanted, so do you remember what I said I was in high school? That's right. The "skirt chaser" is on the prowl. I would have to say that some of my endeavors were successes, but I still wanted that one to myself. I even told her one time right before graduation,"Just give me an hour with you, and you'll be a changed person." Was that arrogant? Not at all. I know me and I knew what I was capable of. If you won't give me your heart, atleast give me your body first. Yeah,yeah, I have it backwards. I know! So, here it is:graduation day. I'm as excited as a fat kid that just saw the "Hot Doughnuts Now" sign light up right in front of his eyes. Then reality set in. I may never see her again after today. Make your last move and then move on. So, I walk up to her and whisper something in her ear in the middle of what seemed to be "eleventy billion" people. She liked it because she pulled back and looked me dead in the eyes and said: " I will find you when I get to the beach." YES!! So, make your own conclusions as to what happened next....she and I know the truth and boy was it fantastic!!!And that went on all week. Now, it's time to come back home and face reality. I wanted her, but she was still involved with a guy who is now one of my best friends. I didn't know that. I thought it was over. Oops! So, I put my heart on the line and tell her I want her, but she just can't give me that so I have to move on. Thanks for using me for a week worth of great "exercise". It is still to this day up there at the top, so you will always be remembered.
Well 13 years later, out of nowhere she appears. Facebook may be the greatest thing ever assembled. Yes, it's better than sliced bread for you morons out there that use this simple-minded statement when speaking of something great. I see her smiling face on the little chat box, and the smiling becomes contagious. You guys don't understand. This girl's smile should be in a dictionary with pictures. Anyway, here she is and we do what we do best; reminisce about "graduation week" and why it never worked. The anticipation of seeing her face on my computer screen is getting the best of me. The only thing I can do is be me and see if she still likes it. Well, she does and the reciprocation on my end is just as apparent. Just roll with it John. Be yourself. That's about all you can be,right? So we talk and text, which is also better than sliced bread, pretty frequently. Do I dare see this girl? Can I control myself? Well I do, and I can't. Sorry, her smile got me and I'm a guy. She was everything I remembered her to be and more. Now, the curveball. A few days later, she tells me what she's feeling and I give her my stance on it, and now we're "moving too fast". Are you serious? I'm not looking for a wife. I just enjoy your company and your conversation. Don't need drama right now and somebody making me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm just being me and having fun. If that's too much, then you need to move on. She wasn't looking for that response. Truth be told, she liked me more now than she did then and it scared her. So, she started pushing me back. Let it happen or let it go? Time to remove myself from the situation and see what happens..... I don't wanna go, but feel I have to.
Now, I'm getting my life back together and trying to figure out where to go from here. I hang with my friends, who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, and just live day to day. One night I decide to sit down and watch a movie I bought a year ago, but never watched. Everyone told me I would love it and I would cry. Do I really need that going on? Do I need to cry? It's quite possible that I do, so I power up the DVD player and sit back and enjoy....."The Notebook". Well, as I sit and watch this movie, I begin to think about 1 person and 1 person alone. After graduation when I was turned away by the one I "wanted", I made myself really busy. I moved out on my own with my childhood best friend and we started our "adult" lives. We had our own place and had no rules.
July 6,1996 is a day I'll never forget. I walked into Hooter's on High Point Rd. with hopes of getting some food, hanging out with some friends, and then heading back to our apartment to play some video games. Boy, was I dead wrong on what would happen that night? I walked in and immediately I saw an angel. I couldn't even speak. John Herndon at a lack of words? Yep, at that moment I was and it was confusing to me, but was obvious to everyone else what the reason was. I wanted her! I sat there for an hour staring at her like an idiot until my roommate called her over to tell her I wanted to talk to her but was too big of a puss to do it myself. Thanks buddy. This should go over real well. Good thing she broke the ice or I'd still be an iceberg today. So, we talked for a while and I liked her even more after getting to know a few things. Well, the next logical step was to get her number, right? WRONG! She told me she didn't want to see me as the average asshole customer trying to get lucky so she couldn't give me her number....yet. "What do I have to do for you to change your mind?"I asked. "I want to see you up here atleast 3 times in the next week, and I'll think about it" she told me. My response was short and sweet;"DONE". So, where was I 3 times that week you might ask? You guessed it. So, here we are on the 3rd night and it's judgment day. I go up there, looking cute I might add. Now, I decide to play hard to get and play it cool. I spend a few hours up there and we chat for a while. She even comes over a few times to rub my back and let me know she's feeling the same thing as me. No words, just actions. Good enough for me. I decide it's time for me to leave before she wants me to. So I head for the exit, and she stops me to make sure I'm not forgetting something. Of course I am, but I have to be in control of myself at this point,right? She grabs me by the arm and rights down 7 numbers on a napkin and says, "I get out of here at 11, so you better call me." SCORE!! Exit stage right.
For the next 4 months, we were almost inseparable. This one was like my best friend but we were crazy about each other too. I could never imagine telling her "NO" to anything she ever asked of me. We would go to Wal-Mart and Harris Teeter at the most off the wall hours just for fun, but we were together and that's all that mattered. We never had sex, and we never argued...EVER! I'm a horny 19 year old kid and I've got an angel laying next to me in the bed and I can't even try to seduce her. She spent a whole day in my bed one day as sick as she could be and all I could do is wait on her hand and foot. I didn't even take care of myself when I was sick and I couldn't leave her side. Is this a dream? Is it what I think it is? Did I mention she was a calendar girl that almost every guy who saw her wanted...and I had her. All dreams end sooner or later though as we all know. You have to wake up eventually and unfortunately my dream ended. The analysts say the average dream lasts between 15-20 seconds. Well, mine lasted for 4 months, and then I woke up to a nightmare.
I now take you to November 9,1996. I am sitting at my apartment waiting for her to get off of work and come over as she normally did. And there she is, out of the orange shorts and white tank top. She tells me we need to talk. Yes we do, because what she doesn't know is I'm going to try my hardest to tell her that I love her without scaring the hell out of her, and hope I get the response I'm looking for. Not so fast my friend. She tells me we need to go outside to talk. OK, does she finally want to make out with me outside or what? Nope. She sits in her car and begins to cry. I didn't even know that she had tear ducts. I had seen nothing but smiles and laughter out of her for 4 months. What the hell is going on? She tells me from her calendar shoots and bikini competition wins that she has an opportunity to move to NYC to model. This can't be happening right now. I guess I'll hold in what I was going to tell her huh? Only a desperate man would use that trick. I'm not that guy. I tell her I'm happy for her, although I'm crying my heart out on the inside. "You can't go......I love you" was running my through my head and my heart, but never came out of my mouth. I couldn't keep her here. Her dream could happen right now, and who was I to stop it? I thought I was one of the coolest cats on Earth when I was 19, but I couldn't compete with NYC. "If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with."
When you truly love someone, you put their needs in front of your own without question, and that's what I did. I put the dreams of a 19 year old girl with a future in front of the dreams of a 19 year old boy who had given his heart to her. She didn't take it. I gave it to her because I loved her.I thought about her so many times over the years it made me sick, but also made me wonder about her and where she was........
April 1,2009 shows up on the calendar. I know I'm going to get some pranks from people, as per the norm on April 1. I go to my old boss' Facebook page because he said he was becoming a vegetarian. What? You're from Philly! That's not happening. Before you say I'm being judgmental, this guy loves to eat. Taking meat out of this guy's life is like taking air out of a hot air balloon. It's not gonna work. Anyway, low and behold, who has left a comment on his page?? Yep, there she is 12 years later. You again?? Is this real? I can't slow down my heart rate. I feel paralyzed. What do I do? She has to be married, but her last name is the same as it was 12 years ago. I call my old boss and start asking questions. He gives me the answers I want to hear. I have to talk to her. So, obviously I have to try. Remember me telling you about "The Notebook"? Well, she is my "notebook". Within an hour of me sending her a message, she responds. Smiling doesn't even give a good enough analysis of what I was doing right then. We chatted for 2 hours that night on Facebook. The next night she gave me her # and this time I didn't even have to work nearly as hard for it. Thank you for that! So, I called her within about maybe 2 minutes. I'm a sucker. Always was. I hear her voice and it's as refreshing as jumping into a swimming pool for the first time of the year. We talk about life, love, and of course, the past for about 2 hours. I don't want the conversation to end, but I know it has to, so I end it. I can't wait to talk to her again. So we talk and text frequently, and she tells me we need to see each other. Really? Can I handle that? Do you know what you were to me back then? No, you don't because the night I planned on telling you the truth, you walked out of my life.
So, I go to her house. I'm as nervous as a claustrophobic in a full elevator when I pull into her driveway. The walk to her front door is about 40 feet but felt like a 10k walk. I get to the edge of the sidewalk and the door pops open......there she is. Imagine trying to stand on 2 spaghetti noodles after being boiled for about 15 minutes. Yep, that's what I was going through. I get in the door, and she comes to me with open arms. I can't let go, but neither can she. So we finally let go; and she kisses me on the cheek and we go sit down, but I can't take my eyes off of her. I feel like I'm 19 again. We have about an hour before I have to go get my daughter from school and she has to get back to work. We talk about difficult topics, but we're adults now. We can handle it, right? The emotion was as high as post-pardom depression, but that's what made it enjoyable.Remember, I was married and have a 6 year old daughter. I've seen PPD. The emotion that day was real, atleast on this end. I kept watching the time, hoping the clock had stopped. She told me that she never appreciated how I treated her until recently,due to the drama and negative and unhealthy relationships she had been through since me. It was refreshing to hear, because I meant every second of what I did and felt with her before. The clock ran out, and it was time to go. Before I leave, I'm already hearing Babyface singing "When Can I See You Again?". She sends me a text before I even get on the highway telling me she could've hugged me forever. I'm in trouble and I already know it. So, she wants to see me the next day. I meet her to help her with some stuff for work and then I go my way and she goes hers. We make plans for a night that week but something comes up. She tells me she has to go do something that she does every year, even though she's not looking forward to it. When I hear what it is, I'm not in support of it either but to each their own. Then she asks me to go. What? How can I go to something that I don't support? The answer is easy. I support her, and that's what gave me my answer. So many things happened over the next few weeks, and I found myself slipping right off the cliff again, and then it happened. She told me she loved me. She told me she always had and she felt like she had found her way back home. She had no idea what she had just done, or maybe she did.
Am I dreaming again? I found "my notebook" and we correlated all of the similarities and wondered why this was happening and if we could handle it. I knew I could, because I had been here with her before and I felt like a different person. Good different, not fake. Well, I guess history repeats itself, because then I get an email. Yes, I said email, not a phone call or a face to face, but an email. This time she's not moving, but she's still in love with her ex. She tells me repeatedly that she doesn't want to be with him anymore, but she wants to give me her all because I deserve it, but she can't give that to me....yet. She hopes I can let her heal, because she honestly feels that now that she's found me, this could be it. Really? What do I do now? The words " I love you" are the 3 most powerful words in the world, and when you hear them, they get your attention. OK, so what happens when someone already captivates your attention, and then they throw those 3 at you? The uncomfortable part of this is what happened next. If someone needs to heal, I understand. I always have. However, healing doesn't mean shutting someone out, does it? No responses to emails or texts? Well, that's what happened and I was stuck with a choice: Stick around and hope it turns out the way we both said we hoped or realize I might end with the same fate as 1996. I have to think 1996 is going to happen again, or I would be getting more than I did. It's not right to give someone almost everything that you have and then take 98% of off of the table. I deserve more and I demand more. So, my choice was to walk away. God places different people in front of you on a daily basis for a reason. The first time she was here to prove I could put my selfish ass behind someone else and think of them first. Was she put here this time to prove to myself that I can say "NO" to her when I never could before?
The greatest gift you can give anybody is your time, because it's one of the only things that you have that are truly yours to give away. Give your time to who you will, but if you don't get someone else's time, be prepared for what comes to you next or gets taken away from you after that.
As many of you know, I just got out of an engagement earlier this year. I swore to myself that after my first marriage, I would never entertain that thought again. To my own dismay, I had decided to give in and take a chance on "love and marriage" again. I know, I know....I'm thinking about Al,Peg,Kelly,and Bud Bundy right now too! But I was ready to do it again, because after 3 years of rebuilding my value of love from my divorce, I had fallen in love again....and it was "real". Unfortunately, I had rebuilt myself along the way to being a more understanding and caring person to others and being "doubted" was not going to work for me. Some people have major trust issues from past experiences, and that's understandable. I have them myself, but you can't take it out on the next person because it's happened to you before. We are all human beings and we can't pick and choose how we feel, but we need to also take other people's hearts and souls into consideration when battling our own demons.
That being said, I don't think this would have ever happened; so it had to end. It was painful, contrary to popular belief, but the sting of it was about as surreal as it got. I took a chance, and it failed. Did I fail? Did we fail? No, the relationship failed. I will ALWAYS love that woman, but was not "in love" with her or us anymore, and when that's gone, you're beat. You have to spread your wings and learn to fly again.
So, not even enough time for me to look over my shoulder goes by, and now appears a "blast from the past". I had a major thing for this one for about half of my senior year, but never spoke up about it. I was a "jock" and a "skirt chaser" in high school. The funny thing is that there weren't many times that I didn't find myself with a girlfriend. "Skirt chasing jock" + "girlfriend"= bad results! Well, when the time came for my high school sweetheart and myself to go our own way, my sights were set "dead red" on one girl. If she's reading this, she knows who she is, but you others can just wonder. Hey,it's my blog....I make my own rules. So, I'm after her....hard. The battle I face now is that she has always seen me as the "class clown". How can she take me serious? She doesn't of course. Time to put a little pressure on her I guess. So I did what any guy in my position would have done. I was as obvious as I could be. I still wasn't getting the response I wanted, so do you remember what I said I was in high school? That's right. The "skirt chaser" is on the prowl. I would have to say that some of my endeavors were successes, but I still wanted that one to myself. I even told her one time right before graduation,"Just give me an hour with you, and you'll be a changed person." Was that arrogant? Not at all. I know me and I knew what I was capable of. If you won't give me your heart, atleast give me your body first. Yeah,yeah, I have it backwards. I know! So, here it is:graduation day. I'm as excited as a fat kid that just saw the "Hot Doughnuts Now" sign light up right in front of his eyes. Then reality set in. I may never see her again after today. Make your last move and then move on. So, I walk up to her and whisper something in her ear in the middle of what seemed to be "eleventy billion" people. She liked it because she pulled back and looked me dead in the eyes and said: " I will find you when I get to the beach." YES!! So, make your own conclusions as to what happened next....she and I know the truth and boy was it fantastic!!!And that went on all week. Now, it's time to come back home and face reality. I wanted her, but she was still involved with a guy who is now one of my best friends. I didn't know that. I thought it was over. Oops! So, I put my heart on the line and tell her I want her, but she just can't give me that so I have to move on. Thanks for using me for a week worth of great "exercise". It is still to this day up there at the top, so you will always be remembered.
Well 13 years later, out of nowhere she appears. Facebook may be the greatest thing ever assembled. Yes, it's better than sliced bread for you morons out there that use this simple-minded statement when speaking of something great. I see her smiling face on the little chat box, and the smiling becomes contagious. You guys don't understand. This girl's smile should be in a dictionary with pictures. Anyway, here she is and we do what we do best; reminisce about "graduation week" and why it never worked. The anticipation of seeing her face on my computer screen is getting the best of me. The only thing I can do is be me and see if she still likes it. Well, she does and the reciprocation on my end is just as apparent. Just roll with it John. Be yourself. That's about all you can be,right? So we talk and text, which is also better than sliced bread, pretty frequently. Do I dare see this girl? Can I control myself? Well I do, and I can't. Sorry, her smile got me and I'm a guy. She was everything I remembered her to be and more. Now, the curveball. A few days later, she tells me what she's feeling and I give her my stance on it, and now we're "moving too fast". Are you serious? I'm not looking for a wife. I just enjoy your company and your conversation. Don't need drama right now and somebody making me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm just being me and having fun. If that's too much, then you need to move on. She wasn't looking for that response. Truth be told, she liked me more now than she did then and it scared her. So, she started pushing me back. Let it happen or let it go? Time to remove myself from the situation and see what happens..... I don't wanna go, but feel I have to.
Now, I'm getting my life back together and trying to figure out where to go from here. I hang with my friends, who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, and just live day to day. One night I decide to sit down and watch a movie I bought a year ago, but never watched. Everyone told me I would love it and I would cry. Do I really need that going on? Do I need to cry? It's quite possible that I do, so I power up the DVD player and sit back and enjoy....."The Notebook". Well, as I sit and watch this movie, I begin to think about 1 person and 1 person alone. After graduation when I was turned away by the one I "wanted", I made myself really busy. I moved out on my own with my childhood best friend and we started our "adult" lives. We had our own place and had no rules.
July 6,1996 is a day I'll never forget. I walked into Hooter's on High Point Rd. with hopes of getting some food, hanging out with some friends, and then heading back to our apartment to play some video games. Boy, was I dead wrong on what would happen that night? I walked in and immediately I saw an angel. I couldn't even speak. John Herndon at a lack of words? Yep, at that moment I was and it was confusing to me, but was obvious to everyone else what the reason was. I wanted her! I sat there for an hour staring at her like an idiot until my roommate called her over to tell her I wanted to talk to her but was too big of a puss to do it myself. Thanks buddy. This should go over real well. Good thing she broke the ice or I'd still be an iceberg today. So, we talked for a while and I liked her even more after getting to know a few things. Well, the next logical step was to get her number, right? WRONG! She told me she didn't want to see me as the average asshole customer trying to get lucky so she couldn't give me her number....yet. "What do I have to do for you to change your mind?"I asked. "I want to see you up here atleast 3 times in the next week, and I'll think about it" she told me. My response was short and sweet;"DONE". So, where was I 3 times that week you might ask? You guessed it. So, here we are on the 3rd night and it's judgment day. I go up there, looking cute I might add. Now, I decide to play hard to get and play it cool. I spend a few hours up there and we chat for a while. She even comes over a few times to rub my back and let me know she's feeling the same thing as me. No words, just actions. Good enough for me. I decide it's time for me to leave before she wants me to. So I head for the exit, and she stops me to make sure I'm not forgetting something. Of course I am, but I have to be in control of myself at this point,right? She grabs me by the arm and rights down 7 numbers on a napkin and says, "I get out of here at 11, so you better call me." SCORE!! Exit stage right.
For the next 4 months, we were almost inseparable. This one was like my best friend but we were crazy about each other too. I could never imagine telling her "NO" to anything she ever asked of me. We would go to Wal-Mart and Harris Teeter at the most off the wall hours just for fun, but we were together and that's all that mattered. We never had sex, and we never argued...EVER! I'm a horny 19 year old kid and I've got an angel laying next to me in the bed and I can't even try to seduce her. She spent a whole day in my bed one day as sick as she could be and all I could do is wait on her hand and foot. I didn't even take care of myself when I was sick and I couldn't leave her side. Is this a dream? Is it what I think it is? Did I mention she was a calendar girl that almost every guy who saw her wanted...and I had her. All dreams end sooner or later though as we all know. You have to wake up eventually and unfortunately my dream ended. The analysts say the average dream lasts between 15-20 seconds. Well, mine lasted for 4 months, and then I woke up to a nightmare.
I now take you to November 9,1996. I am sitting at my apartment waiting for her to get off of work and come over as she normally did. And there she is, out of the orange shorts and white tank top. She tells me we need to talk. Yes we do, because what she doesn't know is I'm going to try my hardest to tell her that I love her without scaring the hell out of her, and hope I get the response I'm looking for. Not so fast my friend. She tells me we need to go outside to talk. OK, does she finally want to make out with me outside or what? Nope. She sits in her car and begins to cry. I didn't even know that she had tear ducts. I had seen nothing but smiles and laughter out of her for 4 months. What the hell is going on? She tells me from her calendar shoots and bikini competition wins that she has an opportunity to move to NYC to model. This can't be happening right now. I guess I'll hold in what I was going to tell her huh? Only a desperate man would use that trick. I'm not that guy. I tell her I'm happy for her, although I'm crying my heart out on the inside. "You can't go......I love you" was running my through my head and my heart, but never came out of my mouth. I couldn't keep her here. Her dream could happen right now, and who was I to stop it? I thought I was one of the coolest cats on Earth when I was 19, but I couldn't compete with NYC. "If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with."
When you truly love someone, you put their needs in front of your own without question, and that's what I did. I put the dreams of a 19 year old girl with a future in front of the dreams of a 19 year old boy who had given his heart to her. She didn't take it. I gave it to her because I loved her.I thought about her so many times over the years it made me sick, but also made me wonder about her and where she was........
April 1,2009 shows up on the calendar. I know I'm going to get some pranks from people, as per the norm on April 1. I go to my old boss' Facebook page because he said he was becoming a vegetarian. What? You're from Philly! That's not happening. Before you say I'm being judgmental, this guy loves to eat. Taking meat out of this guy's life is like taking air out of a hot air balloon. It's not gonna work. Anyway, low and behold, who has left a comment on his page?? Yep, there she is 12 years later. You again?? Is this real? I can't slow down my heart rate. I feel paralyzed. What do I do? She has to be married, but her last name is the same as it was 12 years ago. I call my old boss and start asking questions. He gives me the answers I want to hear. I have to talk to her. So, obviously I have to try. Remember me telling you about "The Notebook"? Well, she is my "notebook". Within an hour of me sending her a message, she responds. Smiling doesn't even give a good enough analysis of what I was doing right then. We chatted for 2 hours that night on Facebook. The next night she gave me her # and this time I didn't even have to work nearly as hard for it. Thank you for that! So, I called her within about maybe 2 minutes. I'm a sucker. Always was. I hear her voice and it's as refreshing as jumping into a swimming pool for the first time of the year. We talk about life, love, and of course, the past for about 2 hours. I don't want the conversation to end, but I know it has to, so I end it. I can't wait to talk to her again. So we talk and text frequently, and she tells me we need to see each other. Really? Can I handle that? Do you know what you were to me back then? No, you don't because the night I planned on telling you the truth, you walked out of my life.
So, I go to her house. I'm as nervous as a claustrophobic in a full elevator when I pull into her driveway. The walk to her front door is about 40 feet but felt like a 10k walk. I get to the edge of the sidewalk and the door pops open......there she is. Imagine trying to stand on 2 spaghetti noodles after being boiled for about 15 minutes. Yep, that's what I was going through. I get in the door, and she comes to me with open arms. I can't let go, but neither can she. So we finally let go; and she kisses me on the cheek and we go sit down, but I can't take my eyes off of her. I feel like I'm 19 again. We have about an hour before I have to go get my daughter from school and she has to get back to work. We talk about difficult topics, but we're adults now. We can handle it, right? The emotion was as high as post-pardom depression, but that's what made it enjoyable.Remember, I was married and have a 6 year old daughter. I've seen PPD. The emotion that day was real, atleast on this end. I kept watching the time, hoping the clock had stopped. She told me that she never appreciated how I treated her until recently,due to the drama and negative and unhealthy relationships she had been through since me. It was refreshing to hear, because I meant every second of what I did and felt with her before. The clock ran out, and it was time to go. Before I leave, I'm already hearing Babyface singing "When Can I See You Again?". She sends me a text before I even get on the highway telling me she could've hugged me forever. I'm in trouble and I already know it. So, she wants to see me the next day. I meet her to help her with some stuff for work and then I go my way and she goes hers. We make plans for a night that week but something comes up. She tells me she has to go do something that she does every year, even though she's not looking forward to it. When I hear what it is, I'm not in support of it either but to each their own. Then she asks me to go. What? How can I go to something that I don't support? The answer is easy. I support her, and that's what gave me my answer. So many things happened over the next few weeks, and I found myself slipping right off the cliff again, and then it happened. She told me she loved me. She told me she always had and she felt like she had found her way back home. She had no idea what she had just done, or maybe she did.
Am I dreaming again? I found "my notebook" and we correlated all of the similarities and wondered why this was happening and if we could handle it. I knew I could, because I had been here with her before and I felt like a different person. Good different, not fake. Well, I guess history repeats itself, because then I get an email. Yes, I said email, not a phone call or a face to face, but an email. This time she's not moving, but she's still in love with her ex. She tells me repeatedly that she doesn't want to be with him anymore, but she wants to give me her all because I deserve it, but she can't give that to me....yet. She hopes I can let her heal, because she honestly feels that now that she's found me, this could be it. Really? What do I do now? The words " I love you" are the 3 most powerful words in the world, and when you hear them, they get your attention. OK, so what happens when someone already captivates your attention, and then they throw those 3 at you? The uncomfortable part of this is what happened next. If someone needs to heal, I understand. I always have. However, healing doesn't mean shutting someone out, does it? No responses to emails or texts? Well, that's what happened and I was stuck with a choice: Stick around and hope it turns out the way we both said we hoped or realize I might end with the same fate as 1996. I have to think 1996 is going to happen again, or I would be getting more than I did. It's not right to give someone almost everything that you have and then take 98% of off of the table. I deserve more and I demand more. So, my choice was to walk away. God places different people in front of you on a daily basis for a reason. The first time she was here to prove I could put my selfish ass behind someone else and think of them first. Was she put here this time to prove to myself that I can say "NO" to her when I never could before?
The greatest gift you can give anybody is your time, because it's one of the only things that you have that are truly yours to give away. Give your time to who you will, but if you don't get someone else's time, be prepared for what comes to you next or gets taken away from you after that.
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