You again?? Is this real?

Many of you have told me over the course of my life, "I just wish I knew what you were thinking." Well, now you may just get to find out. I'm 32 years old now and realize that there are many special people that come into our lives from time to time. Some come for a purpose, some stay, some go, and some just hang around. Why? Why are you just hanging around? A wise man once said,"Shit or get off the pot." And for once I understand how he came to that philosophical conclusion.



As many of you know, I just got out of an engagement earlier this year. I swore to myself that after my first marriage, I would never entertain that thought again. To my own dismay, I had decided to give in and take a chance on "love and marriage" again. I know, I know....I'm thinking about Al,Peg,Kelly,and Bud Bundy right now too! But I was ready to do it again, because after 3 years of rebuilding my value of love from my divorce, I had fallen in love again....and it was "real". Unfortunately, I had rebuilt myself along the way to being a more understanding and caring person to others and being "doubted" was not going to work for me. Some people have major trust issues from past experiences, and that's understandable. I have them myself, but you can't take it out on the next person because it's happened to you before. We are all human beings and we can't pick and choose how we feel, but we need to also take other people's hearts and souls into consideration when battling our own demons.



That being said, I don't think this would have ever happened; so it had to end. It was painful, contrary to popular belief, but the sting of it was about as surreal as it got. I took a chance, and it failed. Did I fail? Did we fail? No, the relationship failed. I will ALWAYS love that woman, but was not "in love" with her or us anymore, and when that's gone, you're beat. You have to spread your wings and learn to fly again.



So, not even enough time for me to look over my shoulder goes by, and now appears a "blast from the past". I had a major thing for this one for about half of my senior year, but never spoke up about it. I was a "jock" and a "skirt chaser" in high school. The funny thing is that there weren't many times that I didn't find myself with a girlfriend. "Skirt chasing jock" + "girlfriend"= bad results! Well, when the time came for my high school sweetheart and myself to go our own way, my sights were set "dead red" on one girl. If she's reading this, she knows who she is, but you others can just wonder. Hey,it's my blog....I make my own rules. So, I'm after her....hard. The battle I face now is that she has always seen me as the "class clown". How can she take me serious? She doesn't of course. Time to put a little pressure on her I guess. So I did what any guy in my position would have done. I was as obvious as I could be. I still wasn't getting the response I wanted, so do you remember what I said I was in high school? That's right. The "skirt chaser" is on the prowl. I would have to say that some of my endeavors were successes, but I still wanted that one to myself. I even told her one time right before graduation,"Just give me an hour with you, and you'll be a changed person." Was that arrogant? Not at all. I know me and I knew what I was capable of. If you won't give me your heart, atleast give me your body first. Yeah,yeah, I have it backwards. I know! So, here it is:graduation day. I'm as excited as a fat kid that just saw the "Hot Doughnuts Now" sign light up right in front of his eyes. Then reality set in. I may never see her again after today. Make your last move and then move on. So, I walk up to her and whisper something in her ear in the middle of what seemed to be "eleventy billion" people. She liked it because she pulled back and looked me dead in the eyes and said: " I will find you when I get to the beach." YES!! So, make your own conclusions as to what happened next....she and I know the truth and boy was it fantastic!!!And that went on all week. Now, it's time to come back home and face reality. I wanted her, but she was still involved with a guy who is now one of my best friends. I didn't know that. I thought it was over. Oops! So, I put my heart on the line and tell her I want her, but she just can't give me that so I have to move on. Thanks for using me for a week worth of great "exercise". It is still to this day up there at the top, so you will always be remembered.



Well 13 years later, out of nowhere she appears. Facebook may be the greatest thing ever assembled. Yes, it's better than sliced bread for you morons out there that use this simple-minded statement when speaking of something great. I see her smiling face on the little chat box, and the smiling becomes contagious. You guys don't understand. This girl's smile should be in a dictionary with pictures. Anyway, here she is and we do what we do best; reminisce about "graduation week" and why it never worked. The anticipation of seeing her face on my computer screen is getting the best of me. The only thing I can do is be me and see if she still likes it. Well, she does and the reciprocation on my end is just as apparent. Just roll with it John. Be yourself. That's about all you can be,right? So we talk and text, which is also better than sliced bread, pretty frequently. Do I dare see this girl? Can I control myself? Well I do, and I can't. Sorry, her smile got me and I'm a guy. She was everything I remembered her to be and more. Now, the curveball. A few days later, she tells me what she's feeling and I give her my stance on it, and now we're "moving too fast". Are you serious? I'm not looking for a wife. I just enjoy your company and your conversation. Don't need drama right now and somebody making me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm just being me and having fun. If that's too much, then you need to move on. She wasn't looking for that response. Truth be told, she liked me more now than she did then and it scared her. So, she started pushing me back. Let it happen or let it go? Time to remove myself from the situation and see what happens..... I don't wanna go, but feel I have to.



Now, I'm getting my life back together and trying to figure out where to go from here. I hang with my friends, who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, and just live day to day. One night I decide to sit down and watch a movie I bought a year ago, but never watched. Everyone told me I would love it and I would cry. Do I really need that going on? Do I need to cry? It's quite possible that I do, so I power up the DVD player and sit back and enjoy....."The Notebook". Well, as I sit and watch this movie, I begin to think about 1 person and 1 person alone. After graduation when I was turned away by the one I "wanted", I made myself really busy. I moved out on my own with my childhood best friend and we started our "adult" lives. We had our own place and had no rules.



July 6,1996 is a day I'll never forget. I walked into Hooter's on High Point Rd. with hopes of getting some food, hanging out with some friends, and then heading back to our apartment to play some video games. Boy, was I dead wrong on what would happen that night? I walked in and immediately I saw an angel. I couldn't even speak. John Herndon at a lack of words? Yep, at that moment I was and it was confusing to me, but was obvious to everyone else what the reason was. I wanted her! I sat there for an hour staring at her like an idiot until my roommate called her over to tell her I wanted to talk to her but was too big of a puss to do it myself. Thanks buddy. This should go over real well. Good thing she broke the ice or I'd still be an iceberg today. So, we talked for a while and I liked her even more after getting to know a few things. Well, the next logical step was to get her number, right? WRONG! She told me she didn't want to see me as the average asshole customer trying to get lucky so she couldn't give me her number....yet. "What do I have to do for you to change your mind?"I asked. "I want to see you up here atleast 3 times in the next week, and I'll think about it" she told me. My response was short and sweet;"DONE". So, where was I 3 times that week you might ask? You guessed it. So, here we are on the 3rd night and it's judgment day. I go up there, looking cute I might add. Now, I decide to play hard to get and play it cool. I spend a few hours up there and we chat for a while. She even comes over a few times to rub my back and let me know she's feeling the same thing as me. No words, just actions. Good enough for me. I decide it's time for me to leave before she wants me to. So I head for the exit, and she stops me to make sure I'm not forgetting something. Of course I am, but I have to be in control of myself at this point,right? She grabs me by the arm and rights down 7 numbers on a napkin and says, "I get out of here at 11, so you better call me." SCORE!! Exit stage right.



For the next 4 months, we were almost inseparable. This one was like my best friend but we were crazy about each other too. I could never imagine telling her "NO" to anything she ever asked of me. We would go to Wal-Mart and Harris Teeter at the most off the wall hours just for fun, but we were together and that's all that mattered. We never had sex, and we never argued...EVER! I'm a horny 19 year old kid and I've got an angel laying next to me in the bed and I can't even try to seduce her. She spent a whole day in my bed one day as sick as she could be and all I could do is wait on her hand and foot. I didn't even take care of myself when I was sick and I couldn't leave her side. Is this a dream? Is it what I think it is? Did I mention she was a calendar girl that almost every guy who saw her wanted...and I had her. All dreams end sooner or later though as we all know. You have to wake up eventually and unfortunately my dream ended. The analysts say the average dream lasts between 15-20 seconds. Well, mine lasted for 4 months, and then I woke up to a nightmare.



I now take you to November 9,1996. I am sitting at my apartment waiting for her to get off of work and come over as she normally did. And there she is, out of the orange shorts and white tank top. She tells me we need to talk. Yes we do, because what she doesn't know is I'm going to try my hardest to tell her that I love her without scaring the hell out of her, and hope I get the response I'm looking for. Not so fast my friend. She tells me we need to go outside to talk. OK, does she finally want to make out with me outside or what? Nope. She sits in her car and begins to cry. I didn't even know that she had tear ducts. I had seen nothing but smiles and laughter out of her for 4 months. What the hell is going on? She tells me from her calendar shoots and bikini competition wins that she has an opportunity to move to NYC to model. This can't be happening right now. I guess I'll hold in what I was going to tell her huh? Only a desperate man would use that trick. I'm not that guy. I tell her I'm happy for her, although I'm crying my heart out on the inside. "You can't go......I love you" was running my through my head and my heart, but never came out of my mouth. I couldn't keep her here. Her dream could happen right now, and who was I to stop it? I thought I was one of the coolest cats on Earth when I was 19, but I couldn't compete with NYC. "If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with."

When you truly love someone, you put their needs in front of your own without question, and that's what I did. I put the dreams of a 19 year old girl with a future in front of the dreams of a 19 year old boy who had given his heart to her. She didn't take it. I gave it to her because I loved her.I thought about her so many times over the years it made me sick, but also made me wonder about her and where she was........



April 1,2009 shows up on the calendar. I know I'm going to get some pranks from people, as per the norm on April 1. I go to my old boss' Facebook page because he said he was becoming a vegetarian. What? You're from Philly! That's not happening. Before you say I'm being judgmental, this guy loves to eat. Taking meat out of this guy's life is like taking air out of a hot air balloon. It's not gonna work. Anyway, low and behold, who has left a comment on his page?? Yep, there she is 12 years later. You again?? Is this real? I can't slow down my heart rate. I feel paralyzed. What do I do? She has to be married, but her last name is the same as it was 12 years ago. I call my old boss and start asking questions. He gives me the answers I want to hear. I have to talk to her. So, obviously I have to try. Remember me telling you about "The Notebook"? Well, she is my "notebook". Within an hour of me sending her a message, she responds. Smiling doesn't even give a good enough analysis of what I was doing right then. We chatted for 2 hours that night on Facebook. The next night she gave me her # and this time I didn't even have to work nearly as hard for it. Thank you for that! So, I called her within about maybe 2 minutes. I'm a sucker. Always was. I hear her voice and it's as refreshing as jumping into a swimming pool for the first time of the year. We talk about life, love, and of course, the past for about 2 hours. I don't want the conversation to end, but I know it has to, so I end it. I can't wait to talk to her again. So we talk and text frequently, and she tells me we need to see each other. Really? Can I handle that? Do you know what you were to me back then? No, you don't because the night I planned on telling you the truth, you walked out of my life.



So, I go to her house. I'm as nervous as a claustrophobic in a full elevator when I pull into her driveway. The walk to her front door is about 40 feet but felt like a 10k walk. I get to the edge of the sidewalk and the door pops open......there she is. Imagine trying to stand on 2 spaghetti noodles after being boiled for about 15 minutes. Yep, that's what I was going through. I get in the door, and she comes to me with open arms. I can't let go, but neither can she. So we finally let go; and she kisses me on the cheek and we go sit down, but I can't take my eyes off of her. I feel like I'm 19 again. We have about an hour before I have to go get my daughter from school and she has to get back to work. We talk about difficult topics, but we're adults now. We can handle it, right? The emotion was as high as post-pardom depression, but that's what made it enjoyable.Remember, I was married and have a 6 year old daughter. I've seen PPD. The emotion that day was real, atleast on this end. I kept watching the time, hoping the clock had stopped. She told me that she never appreciated how I treated her until recently,due to the drama and negative and unhealthy relationships she had been through since me. It was refreshing to hear, because I meant every second of what I did and felt with her before. The clock ran out, and it was time to go. Before I leave, I'm already hearing Babyface singing "When Can I See You Again?". She sends me a text before I even get on the highway telling me she could've hugged me forever. I'm in trouble and I already know it. So, she wants to see me the next day. I meet her to help her with some stuff for work and then I go my way and she goes hers. We make plans for a night that week but something comes up. She tells me she has to go do something that she does every year, even though she's not looking forward to it. When I hear what it is, I'm not in support of it either but to each their own. Then she asks me to go. What? How can I go to something that I don't support? The answer is easy. I support her, and that's what gave me my answer. So many things happened over the next few weeks, and I found myself slipping right off the cliff again, and then it happened. She told me she loved me. She told me she always had and she felt like she had found her way back home. She had no idea what she had just done, or maybe she did.



Am I dreaming again? I found "my notebook" and we correlated all of the similarities and wondered why this was happening and if we could handle it. I knew I could, because I had been here with her before and I felt like a different person. Good different, not fake. Well, I guess history repeats itself, because then I get an email. Yes, I said email, not a phone call or a face to face, but an email. This time she's not moving, but she's still in love with her ex. She tells me repeatedly that she doesn't want to be with him anymore, but she wants to give me her all because I deserve it, but she can't give that to me....yet. She hopes I can let her heal, because she honestly feels that now that she's found me, this could be it. Really? What do I do now? The words " I love you" are the 3 most powerful words in the world, and when you hear them, they get your attention. OK, so what happens when someone already captivates your attention, and then they throw those 3 at you? The uncomfortable part of this is what happened next. If someone needs to heal, I understand. I always have. However, healing doesn't mean shutting someone out, does it? No responses to emails or texts? Well, that's what happened and I was stuck with a choice: Stick around and hope it turns out the way we both said we hoped or realize I might end with the same fate as 1996. I have to think 1996 is going to happen again, or I would be getting more than I did. It's not right to give someone almost everything that you have and then take 98% of off of the table. I deserve more and I demand more. So, my choice was to walk away. God places different people in front of you on a daily basis for a reason. The first time she was here to prove I could put my selfish ass behind someone else and think of them first. Was she put here this time to prove to myself that I can say "NO" to her when I never could before?



The greatest gift you can give anybody is your time, because it's one of the only things that you have that are truly yours to give away. Give your time to who you will, but if you don't get someone else's time, be prepared for what comes to you next or gets taken away from you after that.